Friday, December 08, 2006

Say Anything...I mean, Shut up!...Ass...

At the hairdresser yesterday I start reading an issue of Cosmo, and I go straight for the section "Guy Confessions." I think I enjoy reading these pages so much because they remind me of the days of yore when I used to subscribe to YM. Any of you who used to read YM remember a section called "Say Anything." In Say Anything you were supposed to be amused by stories of girls being utterly mortified either in public, or, most commonly, in front of their--gasp!--Crush! But what used to amuse me wasn't so much the embarrassing moments, but what assholes these "crushes" the girls writing in were talking about. I mean, in many cases, the "mortifying moments" were just things that could happen to any of us, and yet, it seemed like the "crush" would inevitably be so disgusted and turned off by it he "never spoke to [the girl] again." These "Guy Confessions" in Cosmo are no different. It's like, who are these biznatches they are so upset to turn off? To illustrate my point, please find my interpretation of a "Say Anything" or "Guy Confession":

"There was this [really hot girl/ guy I was totally crushing on] in the class across the hall from me. I would see [him/her] everyday and finally worked up the nerve to ask [him/her]out. We go to this really nice seafood restaurant, and the date is going really well--I can tell [he/she] is REALLY into me-- when all of a sudden, my throat starts to itch. I drink some water and try to ignore it but it keeps getting worse. It turns out I was allergic to shellfish and I totally didn't know!!! So anyway, my throat closes up and I turn bright blue, and my date is like "what the hell?!" Well, I fall to the ground, like totally dying, when a doctor who was eating at the next table was able to open up part of my airway with his Monte Blanc pen. Luckily I survived--barely--but some blood from my life-preserving neck hole got on my date's shoe! [He/she] was so grossed out, and OHMIGOD, NEVER spoke to me again! Lesson learned, see your allergist before going on a hot date!!!!"

What the hell?! What is this?? To add to oregano yo's list of "Places you NEVER want to find date" I'm putting "Say Anything" or "Guy Confessions" on the list!


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