Alligators on a Party Barge

Nature is trying to kill me, yo.

We’re entering Week 5 of the Bailey, yo Allergy Death Watch here at AOAPB, where Nature tries to kill me with her wicked trees, flowers, flowering trees, grass, mold, mites, dander, dust, ozone, radio waves, clouds, and life in general.

Nature is pissed because I screamed at her a little a couple of months ago, when she startled me by landing on the terrace by my office window in the form of three raptors with red eyes. Nature-in-the-form-of-predatory-birds then proceeded to bludgeon their brunch-in-the-form-of-a-smaller-bird against the terrace railing, causing me to shriek in a most loud and girl-y fashion, that “Nature is outside! Nature is outside killing! Killing its lunch! Nature! Nature!” and frantically try to close the blinds to shield me from the horror.

See, I had no desire to interrupt Nature while she was dining. It’s just her table manners are disgusting.

At last tally, Nature has sent me to the doctor four times, for a total of six prescriptions. The currently approved morning cocktail now includes:

• 1 shot Nasacort to protect the nasal passages
• 1 Zyrtek in desperate attempt to shield my body from invaders
• 2 Sudafed to relieve the pressure in my ears, which haven’t popped in four weeks. Also to help drain the ick from the sinuses.
• 2 Robitussin Cough Tabs to disguise the hacking up of drained ick
• 1 multi-vitamin because nothing else is working
• 2 prophylactic Excedrin Migraine tablets

Also, three courses of antibiotics to clear up the nasty lil infections of ears, tonsils, and sinuses where Nature has managed to penetrate my defenses.

This shit’s gotten out of hand, y’all. So I hereby offer my profound apologies to Nature for interrupting her lunchtime repast a few months back. It was my lack of sophistication that led to such a gauche response, and I humbly beg your pardon.

Now can we dial back the freaking particulate matter content? You’re killing me here.

Labels: open letter of irritation; Nature is a bitch

posted by Bailey, yo @ Tuesday, May 01, 2007