Thursday, January 25, 2007

I Renounce You, Baby Einstein

Slate has got it right.

Damn, but I dislike Julie What’s-Her-Tits. Not just because of those 12 pounds of Texas cornfed hair she was sporting, but because the whole Baby Einstein thing is just one giant racket wherein parents are once again parted with their dollars questing after E-Z ways to raise smart babies.

I am loathe to wade into the parenting morass because, as y’all know, I don’t know a damn thing about raising children. The fact that I am doing it doesn’t mean I know anything about it. I did not have to present my I.Q. score or bachelor’s degree before taking my babies home from the hospital. Basically, they scanned our collective bar-tag bracelets, patted me on the back, and said, “Good luck with all that!”

But here I go, and I hope you will be kind in the comments, Gentle (and maybe Angry) Readers:

Baby Einstein doesn’t actually make your kids smarter.

The jury is still debating on whether or not it actually harms them.

But it certainly does not make them smarter.

Neither does listening to Mozart in or out of utero. Neither does eating organic chard and sundried dates while pregnant. Neither do “stimulating” mobiles strung up over cribs.

Neither does taking meth, bringe drinking, or base jumping (parents or child).

Only brides-to-be are subjected to more shameless marketing than new parents. We are damn-near flogged with “must-have” gadgets and gizmos. Woe to you hapless mother who doubts the wisdom of the wet wipes warmer!

And now Julie Aint-This-A-Kick-In-The-Crotch is being held up as the very model of a modern Mother General and American entrepreneur. Well, kiss my grits, Julie – you haven’t done jackshit except prey on the fears and ignorance of parents trying to do the right thing.

And it takes courage to stand up and say, I Will Be a Sucker No Longer! I Renounce You, Baby Einstein! I renounce you and all that you stand for – the ass-backwards idea that I can manipulate genetics simply by pressing play! The folly of the crawling helmet! You may have got me with Stoneyfield Farms YoBaby Organic Yogurt, but you have played me for the last time, bitch!

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At 11:39 PM, Anonymous TA said...

Rah rah. We're approaching parenthood... sighting within a month. We're thrilled that praise of the BE BS has elicited a negative reaction. Don't know nothin about practical parenting, but intend to approach it the way I do wine -- if I like it, that's good enough for me. No need to try and guilt/aspirational trip me, baby gear pushers.

At 2:15 AM, Blogger Bailey, yo said...

Congratulations on your impending parenthood, TA. Tits and Ass are about to take a whole new meaning, my friend.

The first six months or so with a newborn will have you praying for the sweet relief of death. Hang on -- it gets a whole lot better.


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