Alligators on a Party Barge

Change your CD before giving Grandma-in-law a lift

Grandma-in-law is a sweet, mild mannered, conservative, and overall classy older lady from Oklahoma. I am not. I am dirty and from Ohio.

She doesn't have to know this.

As the newest member of the family, I am still trying to make a good impression with her every time I see her. I am nothing if not polite. I am sweet. I tone it down a peg or two. Things go well, when I see Grandma-in-law. I am the best version of myself. I may almost have her thinking I am like this all the time.

Then I give sweet Grandma-in-law a ride. "I insist! Here, sit up front with me. Is your seat adjusted in a way that is comfortable for you?" So sweet. So considerate.

I turn the key in the ignition.

LOUD!!! VERY VERY LOUD!!!! BLARING! OBSCENE!!!!!!! OBSCENE AND LOUD!!!!!

The lyrics (and I kid you not): "Maybe we can make some cash selling...A$$! Selling a$$ for heroin...A$$! Selling a$$ for heroin!!"

I freeze. I turn an unfortunate shade of crimson. In a panic, I reach for the volume dial to turn it down. Opps. Wrong way. Louder. "A$$!"

I think--Stay calm, and turn it down. TURN IT DOWN!
No--still wrong way "SELLING A$$ FOR HEROIN!!!!"

Off! OFF! Silence. Sweet silence.

Now awkwardness.

"Um...I thought Enya was in there..."

Sweet grandma from Oklahoma asks, "So, is your brother still planning on moving?" See? I told you she was classy. Never has the subject of my brother's moving to Ohio been more welcome. The moment passes but the scars remain.

The moral: System of a Down and sweet grandmothers do NOT mix. Please look to me as a cautionary tale, and CHANGE THE CD before you give sweet, older relatives you want to impress a ride.

posted by Britney, yo @ Wednesday, May 31, 2006